I don’t know why I choose to torment myself so much. Running, swimming, biking, relationships…It’s all so much at times, and yet I cant just stop….
The cell phone vibrates…I know who it is…
It sometimes feels like I'm meant to do nothing but that. The only escape I have from relationships is working out, and the only escape i have from working out is relationships, or worrying about them (That sounds retarded i know, but it seems true). I worry about you, a lot. Probably more than I should. What have I been wondering?
Texts…they can make you sweat and shake, ya know?
A lot of different things. I don’t want to write them though, someday you’ll hear them. Someday soon I hope.
I can’t even text…
And when I'm not worrying about that, I'm worrying about running and training. I have such high expectations for myself this year. I quit Jazz Band, something i have done since 6th grade, in order to focus more on training (That wasn’t the only reason, the director isn’t on my good side). I want to excel this year so much, and I need to train so hard. And i am, this triathlon training, it makes the mind strong and resilient. Makes it possible to see everything else in the world as easy. I’m not lying or exaggerating, I'm dead serious. But the only thing it doesn’t make easier is…is you.
Running…swimming…biking. I love it all. Sometimes too much. But the down side is that as much as I like the thinking that it allows me to do, the time it gives me to clear my mind, sometimes its not good for me. Sometimes I over think, or think too much. Problem is that I don’t know what to think sometimes.
After that text maybe I do. Maybe…
Final Thoughts:
To Love and Be Loved, Sam Keen, is a great book.
The University of Texas needs to get back to me sooner.
Maybe?
New Years Resolution: Be the best at everything I possibly can be.
Happy New Year, and may it be filled with Love, Wealth and Happiness.
There are some days that just make you look back upon the day and be thankful for such great friends and times. Ran in the snow today with Marissa down Blair Road in Perry. Great and exhausting run in 20 degree weather in the wind and what not. Almost got hit by 2 Snow plows. Learned that my spit will freeze in seconds. Pretty cool. Very fun =]] Cant wait for the run this weekend, and definitely cant wait to do that run again, even if my face did freeze.
But its days like this that make you wonder what if? What if it would work? I’m not sure what would happen, but im ever so curious. I mean, best friends can make the best relationships. Right?
Maybe im crazy…
Maybe im not…who knows. All i know is that today i figured out how much i care when someoneeeee rolled their ankle and i didnt like the idea, at all, of someoneeeeee running back 3 miles on it and wanted to carry them. Felt so bad afterwards, you dont even know, it was bad lol.
It’s better to have tried and failed then not tried at all, right?
I dont know, its been a crazy week so far, finished my research paper though, so that was a plus, just gotta get my last draft back and fix some of those last few corrections. Im excited, 16 pages of glory, and im so happy its done.
Just cant get you outta my mind, its killing me!
Someone told me i might be over thinking this, but i dont think i am, at least i hope im not. I just want something new and great, that i know inside me will be amazing =] That’s all. But maybe it is too much. I just wish i knew the answer.
I guess we all just have to take it one stride at a time and hope for the best, just like running, one step at a time. Can’t predict the future, so may as well stop worrying about it. All you can do is focus on the present and hope for the best. Well, im hoping for the best right now, and hoping it all comes together.
Current Music Favorite:
Jay-Z
Kid Cudi
Brad Paisley
Drake
Lil’ Wayne
Brian McKnight
Hope everyone's having a great holiday season! I’m sure ill be on soon, i went far to long without writing, but Happy Holiday anyways!!
Although today was my first time running in about 5 weeks, (7:49 average mile for 4 miles =] ) it seems like just when i was enjoying having some time to myself, its back to real life. Everything is starting back up, Triathlon training, jazz band, Student Council is getting busy, and somewhere in-between I have to find time to work as well.
(I hate changing garbage can bags by the way…)
Lets see, Mondays, I have training (Running) then homework till who knows when. Tuesdays; running and then swimming, so ill be getting home late…Wednesdays are another late night; I have meetings on these days, and then I have training (running) and then straight to jazz band. Thursdays are a repeat of Tuesdays, and Fridays are a repeat of Mondays. Saturday and Sunday, i have to run and bike. Busy busy busy.
I guess I like being busy though. Keeps me occupied and focused. Although it does make it hard to enjoy the little things sometimes. I guess I miss the little things, although I haven’t had anyone to enjoy the little things with in quite a while (On another note; Friend Zone…yeah, it sucks). I’m still looking, but i’m not looking to hard, im gonna go for the “come to me” approach i guess from now on. I’m just so busy, its hard to keep looking, but ill find her in due time right? … Right?
Lets hope so…
Currently reading Moby Dick for Stavar’s class, lets hope its not so bad…
“Victory is sweetest when you’ve known defeat”
- Malcolm S. Forbes
I wanna make it to districts (at least) in the 2 Mile this year….I want it bad, and im workin my butt off to get there.
Every turn in the right direction seems to lead to one that’s the wrong direction, and its not even remotely entertaining anymore. I just cant take it, its so frustrating. I get sick and diagnosed with mono, then get better from the sick, not the mono though, and then two days later im sick again. And then once more, which brings us to the present. So currently, i’ve been sick three different times in about a three week span, and have had mono since about June. Wonderful…
On top of that, I have people in my life who don’t seem to care anymore. Or, rather, one who cares and is trying to change for the better (I thank you)m and one who doesn’t seem to care. I honestly never though i’d see this happen, but it’s killing me inside see it, and I don’t know what to do, yet at the same time I know I can’t do anything to help the situation…I hate not being able to help. I guess ill have to hope that somehow they see this and figure it out. Let’s hope it get better…soon.
“Time heals all”
Although i’m sick, I cant help but be excited for this indoor triathlon i found out about (http://osutriathlon.com/indoorTri.html). It sounds like a ton of fun, and I really hope i can find some people to do it with me. But, i need to get better first, and i plan to.
I’m home alone right now, and I feel the need to write about whatever pops into my mind. The first thing…
This mono sucks big time. Not only do i feel lazy as all hell because I have to come home right after school and am not allowed to workout for 3 weeks. Wonderful…It sucks though because its my release and I cant do it. =/ More then that though, im still disappointed about my season overall, but that’s for another day. I guess this just means ill have plenty of time to do some homework and reading that i need to catch up on. Why does life have to suck like this? I dont know either, but all i do know is that Kenny G is amazing, which i am watching a concert of on tv.
Still unsure of a few things right now. I guess i dont know what i want, but im sure that will come in time. All i do know is that an answer has to come at some point, and im eagerly awaiting that answer. While i wait for it though, im finding it quite enjoyable to write my research paper everyday. Its fun to write about why Love is much more than an emotion. Maybe im weird for thinking that, but hey its what i like so oh well. =]
Well, i havent been able to write at all lately because i have been so busy! And of course ive been meaning to write for a while now, so lets do some reflecting on the past month or so.
So since i last wrote, a lot has happened and/or changed. I turned 18 =] And that was exciting..kinda. Nothing much happened, but i did get a really nice laptop, so that was nice. My running has been going pretty well. I wanted to say this for a while now, but again i havent been able to take time to write, but i just feel like something has finally clicked and im finally finding what’s inside me. this weekend is the last meet, and i guess its all gonna be put on the line this week so that i can really see what is there. Hmm..what else. Homecoming was cool. It was…different, i guess. I enjoyed it though. Oh, yeah, apparently i’ve had mono since like, June. Yeah, for a while now i was suspecting that, but hey what can you do right? Just keep moving on. So now im sick and have mono…its been a wonderful week lol.
Other then the mono, things in my life just seem to be lining up again, finally. Im not sure why, but everything kinda seems to be going in the right direction. I dont want to jynx it, so i wont linger on the subject, but it feels nice to have things going…decently well for a change. Lets just hope it continues this way yeah? I just hope it continues…because i enjoy it. And with XC ending, its gonna suck =/ I love this sport, and i dont want it to end at all. Thats why im determined to finish this week off, my last week, even if i am sick. I told Sarv, Coach, “I dont care if it kills me. At least ill die happy. I’d have to be physically unable to get out of bed to keep me away from that race.”
Lets hope for a good race…
“ And the strength of the wolf is the pack.”
You know, all these college applications and information meeting and stuff are making me anxious…Not to leave, but to just get it all done. It’s stressful…Oh well, no matter how stressful things may get at times, i always find time to run and write, and it always seems to make me feel better, so ill just stick to that. It seems to work. Before i go though, wanted to share this video, or rather this singer. He is an amazing singer, and i just thought i’d share it with everyone for their…viewing pleasure.
Time seems to be going by so fast. Too fast at times, and Ive been so busy that i haven't written in about a month. It's just crazy!!! But hey, that's my life right? And at the same time, I like the craziness. I'm not really sure why, but i feel better when im moving all the time and doing stuff. As much as it wears me down and drains me, I like it.
So im still on the hunt for a homecoming date...not going so well lol. But hey, that's life, and ya gotta take it one step at a time right? Kinda like cross country...but lets not talk about that...actually, lets.
This past weekend i realized that i think far to much when I race. I just need to go out there and do it! It's stupid, but I think its the one thing holding me back. I want to get better then i was pre-injury. And it took Sarvis to tell me that he is gonna take my brain out to get it through to me. Well, no more thinking, just writing.
So thats my life in short. Lately i've had maybe an hour to myself a day, and by "myself" i mean do homework and stuff. And im getting very exhausted...Keep fingers crossed i dont get mono. Lets hope i can keep up with it all.
This is something i wrote for my Decision for Life class. It was an essay that was supposed to describe the different types/forms of love. So have at it.
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Love - With a Capital “L”
Love: –noun
1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
2. Sexual passion or desire
Is that really true? Can one even begin to put a label or definition on such a strong and meaningful word? It just doesn’t seem quite possible. Love takes so many different forms, so many shapes. To some, it may mean physical attraction or emotional attraction or possibly even something that someone does every day, such as a fluff of the hair or smile. It’s the little things that draw people to one another. The imperfect things. It’s physically impossible to be perfect, which makes me a firm believer that it is all the little things that make you imperfect that makes someone begin to fall in Love with you. It’s such a strong feeling, and it cannot be described, but there are many different aspects that make it up, the first of which is Physical Love.
Physical Love is the first thing that sets any feelings off, period. It’s the look of that person, the way they smile. Their eyes. The outside of the entire package. What is on the outside may not mean everything, or even anything in the end, but it has to mean something at some point, because it is the single thing that draws you in. The way they look at you, the way they touch you when they’re happy, and the way they tremble when they’re sad. It’s the way they look you in the eye and smile sometimes, for no seemingly real reason. The way they can make you feel when you touch their lips, or they touch yours. Physical connections are so very important. This person needs to be able to make you feel good when you’re alone, and even when you’re not. But loving someone is much deeper then skin, but it all starts somewhere, and it has to start by being noticed. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but beauty cannot be everything though, there has to be more. There has to be a deeper connection tied down to emotions.
Emotional Love is that butterfly-like feeling you get when you kiss them, or hold their hand. It’s that sensation of being rushed into a wave when they say “I Love You,” for the first time. Emotional Love is being able to say something that makes them cry in happiness and then smiling because you can physically see how much it mean to them. Emotional Love is being able to say “I Love You for who you are,” and being able to pick your partner up even when they are at the lowest depths of their life, because you Love them, and you would do anything to make sure they are happy and well. Emotions involve so many different factors. It means not cheating on them, staying faithful, and never lying just to benefit yourself. Truth itself is one of the biggest factors in a relationship because it builds the biggest factor, trust. Without trust, Love cannot form, it cannot stay, and it can never be. Being emotionally settled means you’re comfortable with just being yourself and your physical being, knowing you aren’t looking, what you consider to be, your best. Your emotions are, in my opinion, the biggest factor in a relationship, and they are something that cannot be damaged, or the relationship will be hurt as a result. It’s the fact of knowing that you’re loved, that you’re cared about, and that always have someone to run to. Some people don’t see a relationship as an emotional bond, but a physical bond. Some people just need that emotion bond to be happy, and like wise for a physical bond. It all depends on the person, but sometime it needs to be more then that.
Social Love is knowing that you can be with the love of your life, and their friends and still be comfortable and happy. Knowing that someone’s friends accept you can really make or break your relationship, because if you can’t get the friends approval, it’s bound to be a tough road for the both of you. Your love would have to go through a lot of torment from constantly hearing friends say how they don’t approve, and things of that matter. Of course, if your love is strong, it can always last through anything and everything that life throws at you. But for a lot of couples, having a friend’s approval, at the very least, a best friend’s approval is a key factor in a relationship. It’s just like having a parent’s approval. If your parents don’t approve, the road will be a very tough road ahead, but again, it can be overcome like anything else in a relationship, as long as your love is true and strong, it will always endure.
Recreational / Aesthetic Love occurs when two people are just together, with family, friends, or no one at all, and are just enjoying the time together doing things that make them who they are. Whether it’s playing games, running around the mall, or just watching movies, this love occurs when two people are simply being their selves. Having fun together and not having to be alone all the time is something that will bring two people together. Doing aesthetic activities bring people closer, and open them up, possibly, to a world they may have never known. Sometimes, finding new things out like this may frighten couples, but it can also bring couples together in the end. You do not, though, have to have the same interests. With all things considered, if the only thing a couple can agree on is a decent singer/song writer, things are going pretty good.
Intellectual / Religious Love is being able to talk to your partner and not be afraid of sounding dumb, or even too smart. The key to a relationship is communication, and if you cannot have a decent conversation that intrigues you, how can you ever hope to have a relationship that can fix things when times and troubles come arise? Along with having these conversations, religious values often times come into play. It may not be important to all, but some people find it to be a very deep and difficult subject that they find to be sensitive to them. If you cannot agree with someone like that, it may not work. But, once again, it can always work if you want it to. You both do not have to have the same religion, or even go to the same church. Wanting a relationship and someone to love will always come over small faults such as this.
Love, with a capital “L.” I think love is too strong of a word to not pay attention to like that. In our language, we capitalize all the words we find to be important; names, places, holidays. Isn’t love important? I think it is far to over looked as something taken for granted, and needs to be taken a little more seriously in that respect. Whether we are talking about love in writing or not, our body will always be the forefront for love, and it will endure all the battles love can throw at it, almost as if our body knows that in the end, love will be the best thing to step into our lives, and the only thing to never leave.
Love Bears All Things, Believes All Things, Hopes All Things, Endures All Things.
I like those quotes =] And I'm in a quote-ish mood, so that's why I posted them. But i really wanted to write for three reasons. One, because i haven't written in quite a while, and I feel the need to. Two, because I have a massive headache, and this always helps. And Lastly, I wanted to reflect on something I said earlier this week. My own quote, if you will.
"Your heart will never lead you down a wrong path. Just some that will be tougher then others. And when that happens, ill be there, no matter what the circumstances or who you are. Always follow your heart."
No matter what we are dealing with in these lives of ours, whether it's Love, friendships, jobs, or anything at all for that matter, follow your heart. It wont ever lead you down the wrong path. It will lead you down some tough paths, that much I can assure you of. But it wont ever be something you cant handle, or aren't meant to get through. Everything does happen for a reason. That saying in itself sounds...cheesy. But yet its really so honest. Everything does happen for a reason. Is there a plan for each and every one of us? I cannot be sure of that. All I know, is that we have to depend on each other to help each other through these lives we live. Keep your friends close, and choose your friends closely. Sometimes, your "friends" wont really be who they seem. Just keep those who really matter close, because they're the ones you can always depend on. They are the ones who will help you when that path does get tough. Everyone will always have that very small group of people that they can forever and always depend on. Just don't lose sight of tat group, because some day, you may need them. And someday, they may need you. Just don't give up on them. On anyone.
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To "You",
I won't give up on you. I wont abandon you. I want to see this through, and I will. And I have a feeling that it will only bring good things in the end. Because you're pretty, and fun, and amazing =] Both of you =]] And there is a lot more I could say, but I'll leave it at that for now. Unless you want me to continue on about it all.
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I don't have much else to say. So I think I'll leave it at that. Lets just hope that everything works out for everybody. =]
Yours,
BeeJ
*Sepcial Thanks to Kristin Ludwick and Mary Wills for the crazy awesome picture!*
Last night, I came home from an exciting day of Cedar Point. I eventually made my way up the 17 or so steps, stumbling on two near the top. After getting getting yelled at, not because I did something wrong, but because my mom felt the need to take her rage out on me, I somehow rested my pillow which seemed to ease all the pain driving for an hour and forty-five minutes had brought upon my body. After making sure Kristin and Aubrey had gotten home safely, I began to rest my head on my pillow, only to realize ten minutes in that I had forgotten to brush my teeth. I got up and began to brush my teeth, looking at myself and saying in my mind, "Was there more? Was it really as innocent as we planned? Can it be more?" Those two questions ran through my mind, maybe two more times each. I slowly "glide" to my room and fall asleep. I say glide because I honestly don't remember walking. I fall asleep, and begin to dream...
We're sitting on two white rocking chairs, on the front porch of our house on the sands of a beach somewhere in the south. The ocean smell is flowing through my nostrils, and the sun is shining brightly still as a glass of lemonade rests in my hands. As children often do near water, there are three little children near the bank of the ocean, playing in the sand and water. Your hand reaches over and grabs mine, and although I don't look over, I smile to myself, and you laugh a little and say, "Why did you smile like that? I haven't seen a smile like that in years." I smile even bigger saying, "Because, I just remember thinking about living like this for a long time, and now I'm here, together, with you." As I turn my head to glance over at you, the dream blurs, and all I see is the outline of a girlish figure, reaching up to, I'm assuming, tuck hair behind her ear.
This dream has been on my mind all day, mainly because of how vivid it was and how clearly I can remember it. All day, my mind has been wondering, who are you? Where are you? Why are you waiting? All I know is, whether I have met you already or not, you're out there, and I know someday I will "tie the knot" with you. Truthfully, that day cannot get here any sooner, but I'm going to eat my own words and live day to day, and not hope for the future. When I feel the need for the future to arrive for whatever reason, I just think back to that old man I saw one day back in June who had no legs at all, and yet was running. When will my last day be? That can never be determined for certain. But I have to live day to day, as everyone else should. But I also must say that I can't shun the feeling of Love again, because it's a really wonderful feeling. Indescribable really. I've seen a friend recently lose someone, who although they didn't date long at all, think that she couldn't ever Love again because of how bad it hurts to lose that feeling. I also had another friend lose someone who they did Love for a very long time, and they seem to be back on their feet with...well, most of the things in their life. Don't be afraid of it. It's hard to heed those words, even for me, but don't be afraid.
Well, I think I'll wrap it up there...
Where ever you are, whoever you are, all I know is you're out there. Somewhere. And you may not ever read this, but please, don't wait to long ok? =]
So I was talking to a really good friend the other day. One of those people that you don't expect anything..motivation/inspiration/philosophical to ever come out of their mouth. Well after some conversation on the matter of girls...
"bj, its not that god doesn't want you to... its just he doesn't think your ready yet"
In a way, it made my day. In another way, it made me realize how much I can depend on him. And in another way...
There comes a time when you realize that your life is meant to be laid out in a certain way. That you are meant to fulfill a role in someones life. Of course, everyone has a role in someones life, whether its taking care of the Love of your life, or just being there for a friend or family member when they need it the most. I know that everyone on this planet has some kind of role in someones life, but I also think that everyone also has a specific job in one, or possibly more, persons life.
The Giver: You tend to put yourself last. You look after someone in particular, someone who will stand out in your life for the rest of it. You take care of this person in their times of need, and even if they somehow manage to slip away from your inner circle of friends for a period of time, you still silently keep an eye on them, knowing that they may need your guidance in the not-so-distant future. You're the one that anyone could always turn to, and you're willing to do anything for a friend. Whether it means being up till 3:30 AM, knowing that you must wake up at 6, or driving through pouring rain, you will be there to help them in their time of need. At the same time, it may be hard for you yourself to heed your own warnings and advice. This is the only downfall to this trait, and this is what makes you special.
The Taker:As much as people may tell you that giving is better then receiving, you're the kind of person who takes as much as you can from your vast number of friends. You don't judge, and you like to expand your friendships as far as they can go. Having so many different friends in so many different cliques and groups, you learn a lot about different people, and it makes you someone easy to talk to. You may not know it, but people look up to you and respect you because you are such a nice person. But you're like any other person, you do pass judgements about some people, but you keep it to yourself, and you don't let those judgements keep you from trying to meet new people. With all these people around you, there is never going to be a time that you wont have friends there to help you and support you. The problem with this trait is that you have so many friends that it is hard to keep in contact with them all, and sometimes, friends can clash putting you right in the middle of the battle. But this is what makes you special.
The Fighter: In you're life you have had to fight for many different things. Whether its friends or even property, you never give up easily. This makes you attractable to some people, showing that you will do whatever is necessary to ensure protection and quality. Not quality as in a quality tool or vehicle, but quality in the sense that you possess things that a lot of people don't now-a-days, and this makes you at least seem genuine. The problem is that, as a fighter, you've had to learn how to make people like you and trust you, and although this is a plus most of the time, it can sometimes lead to some bad occurrences in your life. For the most part, though, you are a good enough person, just watch the temper, and you will see success through leadership and companionship. Despite having the temper, this is what makes you special.
The Quitter: You have gone through life just like The Fighter, down the long and winding road that few have to go down. And unlike the Fighter though, this makes you vulnerable. You are easily scared and when something does frighten you, you tend to run away, ruining a lot of things for you. Relationships have always been hard for you in this sense. Whenever you felt threatened or like you losing something that you cherish, you frighten and run. Sometimes, its not a literal run, but you do something that wasn't the smartest idea. But although the name may suggest it, you never do actually quit. You get right on the verge of quitting, and you pick yourself back up to keep drudging on, and this is what makes you special.
I found a lot of enjoyment in writing that for some reason. I'm sure I will have a few other posts like this with various other types of people, as they come to mind.
I cant believe that just a few months ago, I was looking in your eyes, listening to "White Horse," and telling you how bad I wish i could kiss you, because you had mono, and I wasnt sure if it was ok yet. And then you look in my eyes, and you tell me "Go ahead, it's ok." I remember that so clearly, it was the most perfect kiss ever. And now...now I dont have any of that...and I cant even write about you and I without getting butterflies and getting worried. I miss you, and i dont know what to do right now. I know what I want, and I know what you want.
I just cant wait to have it again. That feeling...the feling of being Loved, cared about, stared at.
Remember the post "What Do I See?"
That was for you. And it was true. And it's all I can see and hope for. Don't leave forever. Please dont. I wont make it. Because if you were to ask me "Do you love me?" my answer would be an immediate yes. And for whatever reason, in my mind it seemed like a good idea to listen to "White Horse" by Taylor Swift. And then all that kept playing through my mind was holding your head and smiling oh so big. And now...now im left dangeling. Because I cant go to you and tell you this. I cant, see you today or whenever and tell you about it, and smile because you look at me and just kiss me. I cant have any of that. And I feel the need for it. I need you in my life Kaitlin, and at the same time I cant handle having you there unless we are what we were. Whenever I see your picture, or I hear you, or talk to you, or anything at all...I just melt. I fall apart. I get queezy, shakey, cold. I miss you. I miss you so much...
I wrote you a letter today. Did you get it? Probably not yet, but I still wonder if you've gotten any of them. I wonder a lot of things that I question whether or not I should wonder at all.
Are you ok?
Are you happy?
Are you safe?
I wonder these things all the time. The one thing I cant help but wonder is,
Do you miss me?
I wonder that quite often. I'm not to sure what your answer would be at times. I always hope for the better though. I hope you're happy though, I want you to have fun. I still care about you a lot. I know i wrote you a letter today, but while i was writing it, I couldn't help but think of everything that has been going through my head lately. Not all the time, just at certain times. I think...Sometimes I find it hard to find happiness...well, anywhere really. I stayed up one night crying for a few hours, my mom and dad right there. I was worried for you. Worried sick. And I didn't know what I did wrong. Didn't know what was going on. I was in the middle of a circle of things, and I didn't know how to get out. That was a horrible night, especially because it was the day before XC camp. And recently, Saturday (7.25.09), Sarvis found out about everything that has been happening and he made me cry a little, but he made me feel good too. He motivated me a lot, like he tends to do when I need it most.
Thanks Sarv
I cant deny that i miss you. I'm trying to move on, for now at least. It's hard though. I care about you so much. Love you more then anything in this world. I still cant find it in myself to take all the pictures down. You just mean that much to me. I still don't know what you want from me, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all, I know that sounds really bad like in a blog, but I mean it in a good manner. I miss you a lot, and I still wonder how I've made it this far. Ill continue to push on, like I always have, and do whatever it is you need me to do until our paths cross again in the, hopefully, not so distant future.
It's so hard to write all this...
Don't ever give up. Ever. Listen to me when I say this people. When you truly Love someone, you never give up, never lose hope. We all have one time in our life that will stand out for the rest of our life that will be, to us, one of the hardest moments in our lives. I, personally, think I'm in the middle of one right now. Its so hard to do so, but you must keep your head high and your friends close. Fight through the pain, in anything you do. Find that perfect sunset, and just stare at it, and enjoy it. And never, ever give up.
Ever.
And like I told you what seems like an eternity ago...
Are we really? I mean, am I the only one who just doesn't feel like a senior? It felt so weird today to step on that field, (yeah i know i didn't do anything because of my leg), and to be one of the 20 or so wearing the Tye dye shirts, a tradition reserved for the seniors. It just doesn't feel like I'm really a senior you know? But at the same time it does. I look at myself, think to myself, whatever you want to call it, and I realize that I have grown up. I think more, choose more wisely, think clearer. When I think about girls, on the rare occasion, I want what I thought was mine. And when i try to find better use for my time then those hard thoughts, I realize that I judge girls by who they are, not 100% on their looks.
Seriously, I know I have grown up. I can feel it when i try hard enough to focus and just think. And its hard to accept that I'm alone right now, something that I didn't think would ever happen again. But I am here, I'm on that road, and i have to go down it until i find a fork in it. And when that time comes, I know it will be the right choice that I make. And at the same time, I know it wont be as easy as that. With all this power that i now have in the school and over my class, a lot rests souly on me. I guess I'm the person to look up to, and I am totally ok with that. But I am the kind of person to worry, and I worry about my friends, including those who have moved on past high school, and those who haven't. I wonder where their path's will lead them, and I want to make sure that they chose the right things, and don't have difficulties. I want to make this last year the single best year ever, hands down, and I believe i can do it. Maybe not by myself, but I know it can be done. I just worry, you know? I'm not sure if I really should worry about everyone, because I know sometimes i shouldn't because it can be a little much, but lately, that's all i have been able to do is worry for people. I really just don't have any one person to focus on...I need that again, in a bad way. I miss it a lot, I wont lie. But I'm keeping my head up, or at least trying.
...
I still cant believe that was the last band camp...I really cant. As much as I never thought i would, i know i will miss it. And the worst part is that i never really got to do any of the band camp stuff at all because of my bum leg...I feel so bad just sitting there you know? I try and help people and they accept it, but at the same time i feel like the guy who barks orders and never does anything but that...its a terrible feeling let me tell you...
Grown up? I'm not sure if we all are. I know in some aspects we all are, yes, but not in every way. There is always more to improve on. So here's to the Class of 2010. May our last year be the greatest year yet, and may we always remember it till our dying breath. I hope i can accomplish everything we want in a Senior year, and I hope you all stick along for the ride. Lets make this year full of many "Lasts" some of the greatest times of our lives. To my other friends, I am always here, if there is anything I can ever do, in school or out, please let me know. I'm always a call/text away, and will do anything for you.
After re-reading that, all I could think to myself is how i went from the selfish, video game kid in 6th grade, to the guy who only cares about Love, whether its talking about it, being in it, or helping others with it. Grown up? Yes
After reading this, look at yourself, Senior or not. Have you grown up? Matured? Anything? Post it here in the comments. It can remain anonymous if you choose, so please, share some thoughts =]
What do I see in my future? Well, when I sat down, and I closed my eyes and just relaxed to the soothing tunes of Nsync's "This I Promise You," I saw you. It was you looking in my eyes, a little teary eyed because I always told you we would get here. I promised you when we were 16 and 17 years old, and now we're here. Your left hand on my shoulder, your other angelic hand in mine, the lights dim and are focused on us as we have our first dance as the newest Mr. & Mrs. A white dress and a black tux, perfectly matched like everything else that's been near us for the last few hours. As the photographer said, "Perfect." And it truly is perfect in every way. It seems impossible that it is actually happening, but we've made it 7 amazing years, and we are now married. We're on our way to becoming two very successful doctors, and nothing will stop us with the support we give for each other. But amidst all these thought, I look at you and whisper in your ear, "Sweetie, there's some thing I've always wanted to tell you and--" But you stop me and put your finger on my lip and whisper in the most pleasing voice my ears have ever heard, "I know, I've dreamed about this since before I met you too. And I wouldn't want it to be with anyone else in the world," and you finally manage to wink after all these years, and give me a kiss as I cradle your head. Everyone begins to cheer and take pictures as the final "This I promise you" comes through the speakers. And as it does, one more tear comes out...
...Of my eye.
That's what I see in my future. Some people see college or wealth, but I don't need that as long as you're there.
![n1325136620_30025881_1654[1]](http://lh3.ggpht.com/_AYb8pscJI6c/Su9xo3mog7I/AAAAAAAAASw/fFaOhuN2i-Y/s1600-h/n1325136620_30025881_1654%5B1%5D%5B3%5D.jpg "n1325136620_30025881_1654[1]")
