Quote Binge

I'm gonna go on a quote binge really quick, just because I'm bored ;)

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“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

- David Harkins

“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.”

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

- Morrie Schwartz

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”

- James Earl Jones

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

- Don Juan deMarco

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”

“The one who loves you will make you weep.”

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I like those quotes =] And I'm in a quote-ish mood, so that's why I posted them. But i really wanted to write for three reasons. One, because i haven't written in quite a while, and I feel the need to. Two, because I have a massive headache, and this always helps. And Lastly, I wanted to reflect on something I said earlier this week. My own quote, if you will.

"Your heart will never lead you down a wrong path. Just some that will be tougher then others. And when that happens, ill be there, no matter what the circumstances or who you are. Always follow your heart."

No matter what we are dealing with in these lives of ours, whether it's Love, friendships, jobs, or anything at all for that matter, follow your heart. It wont ever lead you down the wrong path. It will lead you down some tough paths, that much I can assure you of. But it wont ever be something you cant handle, or aren't meant to get through. Everything does happen for a reason. That saying in itself sounds...cheesy. But yet its really so honest. Everything does happen for a reason. Is there a plan for each and every one of us? I cannot be sure of that. All I know, is that we have to depend on each other to help each other through these lives we live. Keep your friends close, and choose your friends closely. Sometimes, your "friends" wont really be who they seem. Just keep those who really matter close, because they're the ones you can always depend on. They are the ones who will help you when that path does get tough. Everyone will always have that very small group of people that they can forever and always depend on. Just don't lose sight of tat group, because some day, you may need them. And someday, they may need you. Just don't give up on them. On anyone.

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To "You",

I won't give up on you. I wont abandon you. I want to see this through, and I will. And I have a feeling that it will only bring good things in the end. Because you're pretty, and fun, and amazing =] Both of you =]] And there is a lot more I could say, but I'll leave it at that for now. Unless you want me to continue on about it all.

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I don't have much else to say. So I think I'll leave it at that. Lets just hope that everything works out for everybody. =]

Yours,

BeeJ

*Sepcial Thanks to Kristin Ludwick and Mary Wills for the crazy awesome picture!*

I Had A Dream..

Last night, I came home from an exciting day of Cedar Point. I eventually made my way up the 17 or so steps, stumbling on two near the top. After getting getting yelled at, not because I did something wrong, but because my mom felt the need to take her rage out on me, I somehow rested my pillow which seemed to ease all the pain driving for an hour and forty-five minutes had brought upon my body. After making sure Kristin and Aubrey had gotten home safely, I began to rest my head on my pillow, only to realize ten minutes in that I had forgotten to brush my teeth. I got up and began to brush my teeth, looking at myself and saying in my mind, "Was there more? Was it really as innocent as we planned? Can it be more?" Those two questions ran through my mind, maybe two more times each. I slowly "glide" to my room and fall asleep. I say glide because I honestly don't remember walking. I fall asleep, and begin to dream...

We're sitting on two white rocking chairs, on the front porch of our house on the sands of a beach somewhere in the south. The ocean smell is flowing through my nostrils, and the sun is shining brightly still as a glass of lemonade rests in my hands. As children often do near water, there are three little children near the bank of the ocean, playing in the sand and water. Your hand reaches over and grabs mine, and although I don't look over, I smile to myself, and you laugh a little and say, "Why did you smile like that? I haven't seen a smile like that in years." I smile even bigger saying, "Because, I just remember thinking about living like this for a long time, and now I'm here, together, with you." As I turn my head to glance over at you, the dream blurs, and all I see is the outline of a girlish figure, reaching up to, I'm assuming, tuck hair behind her ear.

This dream has been on my mind all day, mainly because of how vivid it was and how clearly I can remember it. All day, my mind has been wondering, who are you? Where are you? Why are you waiting? All I know is, whether I have met you already or not, you're out there, and I know someday I will "tie the knot" with you. Truthfully, that day cannot get here any sooner, but I'm going to eat my own words and live day to day, and not hope for the future. When I feel the need for the future to arrive for whatever reason, I just think back to that old man I saw one day back in June who had no legs at all, and yet was running. When will my last day be? That can never be determined for certain. But I have to live day to day, as everyone else should. But I also must say that I can't shun the feeling of Love again, because it's a really wonderful feeling. Indescribable really. I've seen a friend recently lose someone, who although they didn't date long at all, think that she couldn't ever Love again because of how bad it hurts to lose that feeling. I also had another friend lose someone who they did Love for a very long time, and they seem to be back on their feet with...well, most of the things in their life. Don't be afraid of it. It's hard to heed those words, even for me, but don't be afraid.

Well, I think I'll wrap it up there...

Where ever you are, whoever you are, all I know is you're out there. Somewhere. And you may not ever read this, but please, don't wait to long ok? =]

Humbly Yours,
BeeJ

Wisdom? Maybe?

So I was talking to a really good friend the other day. One of those people that you don't expect anything..motivation/inspiration/philosophical to ever come out of their mouth. Well after some conversation on the matter of girls...

"bj, its not that god doesn't want you to... its just he doesn't think your ready yet"

In a way, it made my day. In another way, it made me realize how much I can depend on him. And in another way...

...It made me realize he's right...

I'll leave it at that.

Yours,

BeeJ

*Very Special Thanks to Brian VonLehmden*

Who Are We?

There comes a time when you realize that your life is meant to be laid out in a certain way. That you are meant to fulfill a role in someones life. Of course, everyone has a role in someones life, whether its taking care of the Love of your life, or just being there for a friend or family member when they need it the most. I know that everyone on this planet has some kind of role in someones life, but I also think that everyone also has a specific job in one, or possibly more, persons life.

The Giver: You tend to put yourself last. You look after someone in particular, someone who will stand out in your life for the rest of it. You take care of this person in their times of need, and even if they somehow manage to slip away from your inner circle of friends for a period of time, you still silently keep an eye on them, knowing that they may need your guidance in the not-so-distant future. You're the one that anyone could always turn to, and you're willing to do anything for a friend. Whether it means being up till 3:30 AM, knowing that you must wake up at 6, or driving through pouring rain, you will be there to help them in their time of need. At the same time, it may be hard for you yourself to heed your own warnings and advice. This is the only downfall to this trait, and this is what makes you special.

The Taker: As much as people may tell you that giving is better then receiving, you're the kind of person who takes as much as you can from your vast number of friends. You don't judge, and you like to expand your friendships as far as they can go. Having so many different friends in so many different cliques and groups, you learn a lot about different people, and it makes you someone easy to talk to. You may not know it, but people look up to you and respect you because you are such a nice person. But you're like any other person, you do pass judgements about some people, but you keep it to yourself, and you don't let those judgements keep you from trying to meet new people. With all these people around you, there is never going to be a time that you wont have friends there to help you and support you. The problem with this trait is that you have so many friends that it is hard to keep in contact with them all, and sometimes, friends can clash putting you right in the middle of the battle. But this is what makes you special.

The Fighter: In you're life you have had to fight for many different things. Whether its friends or even property, you never give up easily. This makes you attractable to some people, showing that you will do whatever is necessary to ensure protection and quality. Not quality as in a quality tool or vehicle, but quality in the sense that you possess things that a lot of people don't now-a-days, and this makes you at least seem genuine. The problem is that, as a fighter, you've had to learn how to make people like you and trust you, and although this is a plus most of the time, it can sometimes lead to some bad occurrences in your life. For the most part, though, you are a good enough person, just watch the temper, and you will see success through leadership and companionship. Despite having the temper, this is what makes you special.

The Quitter: You have gone through life just like The Fighter, down the long and winding road that few have to go down. And unlike the Fighter though, this makes you vulnerable. You are easily scared and when something does frighten you, you tend to run away, ruining a lot of things for you. Relationships have always been hard for you in this sense. Whenever you felt threatened or like you losing something that you cherish, you frighten and run. Sometimes, its not a literal run, but you do something that wasn't the smartest idea. But although the name may suggest it, you never do actually quit. You get right on the verge of quitting, and you pick yourself back up to keep drudging on, and this is what makes you special.

I found a lot of enjoyment in writing that for some reason. I'm sure I will have a few other posts like this with various other types of people, as they come to mind.

That was fun =]

Yours,

BeeJ

*Special thanks to Mary Wills!*

I Need My Princess, Because We Are A Fairy Tale

I cant believe that just a few months ago, I was looking in your eyes, listening to "White Horse," and telling you how bad I wish i could kiss you, because you had mono, and I wasnt sure if it was ok yet. And then you look in my eyes, and you tell me "Go ahead, it's ok." I remember that so clearly, it was the most perfect kiss ever. And now...now I dont have any of that...and I cant even write about you and I without getting butterflies and getting worried. I miss you, and i dont know what to do right now. I know what I want, and I know what you want.

I just cant wait to have it again. That feeling...the feling of being Loved, cared about, stared at.

Remember the post "What Do I See?"

That was for you. And it was true. And it's all I can see and hope for. Don't leave forever. Please dont. I wont make it. Because if you were to ask me "Do you love me?" my answer would be an immediate yes. And for whatever reason, in my mind it seemed like a good idea to listen to "White Horse" by Taylor Swift. And then all that kept playing through my mind was holding your head and smiling oh so big. And now...now im left dangeling. Because I cant go to you and tell you this. I cant, see you today or whenever and tell you about it, and smile because you look at me and just kiss me. I cant have any of that. And I feel the need for it. I need you in my life Kaitlin, and at the same time I cant handle having you there unless we are what we were. Whenever I see your picture, or I hear you, or talk to you, or anything at all...I just melt. I fall apart. I get queezy, shakey, cold. I miss you. I miss you so much...

Why me?

- BeeJ

The Notebook, My Life

I wrote you a letter today. Did you get it? Probably not yet, but I still wonder if you've gotten any of them. I wonder a lot of things that I question whether or not I should wonder at all.

Are you ok?

Are you happy?

Are you safe?

I wonder these things all the time. The one thing I cant help but wonder is,

Do you miss me?

I wonder that quite often. I'm not to sure what your answer would be at times. I always hope for the better though. I hope you're happy though, I want you to have fun. I still care about you a lot. I know i wrote you a letter today, but while i was writing it, I couldn't help but think of everything that has been going through my head lately. Not all the time, just at certain times. I think...Sometimes I find it hard to find happiness...well, anywhere really. I stayed up one night crying for a few hours, my mom and dad right there. I was worried for you. Worried sick. And I didn't know what I did wrong. Didn't know what was going on. I was in the middle of a circle of things, and I didn't know how to get out. That was a horrible night, especially because it was the day before XC camp. And recently, Saturday (7.25.09), Sarvis found out about everything that has been happening and he made me cry a little, but he made me feel good too. He motivated me a lot, like he tends to do when I need it most.

Thanks Sarv

I cant deny that i miss you. I'm trying to move on, for now at least. It's hard though. I care about you so much. Love you more then anything in this world. I still cant find it in myself to take all the pictures down. You just mean that much to me. I still don't know what you want from me, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all, I know that sounds really bad like in a blog, but I mean it in a good manner. I miss you a lot, and I still wonder how I've made it this far. Ill continue to push on, like I always have, and do whatever it is you need me to do until our paths cross again in the, hopefully, not so distant future.

It's so hard to write all this...

Don't ever give up. Ever. Listen to me when I say this people. When you truly Love someone, you never give up, never lose hope. We all have one time in our life that will stand out for the rest of our life that will be, to us, one of the hardest moments in our lives. I, personally, think I'm in the middle of one right now. Its so hard to do so, but you must keep your head high and your friends close. Fight through the pain, in anything you do. Find that perfect sunset, and just stare at it, and enjoy it. And never, ever give up.

Ever.

And like I told you what seems like an eternity ago...

Remember...

...Always Remember

Yours,

BeeJ

I Love You

Growing Up?

Are we really? I mean, am I the only one who just doesn't feel like a senior? It felt so weird today to step on that field, (yeah i know i didn't do anything because of my leg), and to be one of the 20 or so wearing the Tye dye shirts, a tradition reserved for the seniors. It just doesn't feel like I'm really a senior you know? But at the same time it does. I look at myself, think to myself, whatever you want to call it, and I realize that I have grown up. I think more, choose more wisely, think clearer. When I think about girls, on the rare occasion, I want what I thought was mine. And when i try to find better use for my time then those hard thoughts, I realize that I judge girls by who they are, not 100% on their looks.

Seriously, I know I have grown up. I can feel it when i try hard enough to focus and just think. And its hard to accept that I'm alone right now, something that I didn't think would ever happen again. But I am here, I'm on that road, and i have to go down it until i find a fork in it. And when that time comes, I know it will be the right choice that I make. And at the same time, I know it wont be as easy as that. With all this power that i now have in the school and over my class, a lot rests souly on me. I guess I'm the person to look up to, and I am totally ok with that. But I am the kind of person to worry, and I worry about my friends, including those who have moved on past high school, and those who haven't. I wonder where their path's will lead them, and I want to make sure that they chose the right things, and don't have difficulties. I want to make this last year the single best year ever, hands down, and I believe i can do it. Maybe not by myself, but I know it can be done. I just worry, you know? I'm not sure if I really should worry about everyone, because I know sometimes i shouldn't because it can be a little much, but lately, that's all i have been able to do is worry for people. I really just don't have any one person to focus on...I need that again, in a bad way. I miss it a lot, I wont lie. But I'm keeping my head up, or at least trying.

...

I still cant believe that was the last band camp...I really cant. As much as I never thought i would, i know i will miss it. And the worst part is that i never really got to do any of the band camp stuff at all because of my bum leg...I feel so bad just sitting there you know? I try and help people and they accept it, but at the same time i feel like the guy who barks orders and never does anything but that...its a terrible feeling let me tell you...

Grown up? I'm not sure if we all are. I know in some aspects we all are, yes, but not in every way. There is always more to improve on. So here's to the Class of 2010. May our last year be the greatest year yet, and may we always remember it till our dying breath. I hope i can accomplish everything we want in a Senior year, and I hope you all stick along for the ride. Lets make this year full of many "Lasts" some of the greatest times of our lives. To my other friends, I am always here, if there is anything I can ever do, in school or out, please let me know. I'm always a call/text away, and will do anything for you.

After re-reading that, all I could think to myself is how i went from the selfish, video game kid in 6th grade, to the guy who only cares about Love, whether its talking about it, being in it, or helping others with it. Grown up? Yes

After reading this, look at yourself, Senior or not. Have you grown up? Matured? Anything? Post it here in the comments. It can remain anonymous if you choose, so please, share some thoughts =]

Humbly Yours,

BJ Nelson

I Love You